Man Down

​by: F.I.T.N.F.

 

January 2014

 

I have been in and out of one relationship or another with varying degrees of seriousness for the past ten to fifteen years and I have to say, when it comes to sex, I’ve done okay. As I moved further and further along in my thirties my relationship to sex began to change for the better. I was less insecure about my body and more secure about my [prowess]. I started to figure out which boundaries I was willing to press a bit and also become clear about which lines I wouldn't cross. At 40, I know my game is tight and don't require any extra validation beyond sweat stained sheets and loud snores. However, as I have been experiencing my own sexual awakening I have started to notice a certain 'sleepiness,' I'll say, in my partners. I had heard for years that men reach their sexual peak at around 21 and women 40 (or something close to that) but it sounded like stuff of urban legend so I completely dismissed it. I had great sex in my late twenties and early thirties and in my mind that rule couldn't apply to black men (the only men I date) anyway because they were stallions, built to last, solid as a rock, right?  Imagine my surprise when I was confronted with a full spectrum of issues over the last several years. I'm talking everything from fatigue to low libido to no bueno. And I'm not alone. I have had more than one conversation with women in their late thirties to mid forties dealing with the same things. One of my girlfriends, who is 41, has gone as far as swearing off men over 35 and other girlfriends have also expressed a growing interest in the 'juvies' as they call them. Amongst most of these women there is still a prevailing desire to settle down with a man close in age; but that idea is increasingly becoming saddled with the worry of facing these issues much sooner than ever anticipated. So, what's a sister to do? 

 

We don't talk about sexual dysfunction in Black men as much as we talk about Black women's inability to satisfy Black men in any number of ways - but maybe we should. A quick web search showed me what may be the heart of the problem in the Black (and Latino) community, specifically. According to Blackdoctor.org erectile dysfunction (or ED or impotence) is most often caused by health problems that require treatment to help prevent more serious complications. Some of the problems that can cause ED are:

 

·       High blood pressure

·       High cholesterol

·       Diabetes

·       Alcohol or drug abuse

·       Stress

·       Some prescription drugs

·       Unhealthy habits like smoking 

·       Overeating and not exercising

·       Treatments for prostate cancer

·       An injury or disease that affects the nerves

 

Umm, who does that sound like? Is this not a laundry list of what ails Black and Latino men? I read this list with my mouth open and then watched as the light bulb slowly flickered on in my head. It made so much sense to me now, the reality of erectile or sexual dysfunction in our community is no match against the strong, black, long-dong-silver, mandigo fantasy image that women look for and men buy into themselves. 

 

While it’s the granddaddy of them all, impotence is not the only problem men face as they get up in age. Can we talk about fatigue? 

 

I don't know about you, but I know more single women who are less, "not tonight honey I'm exhausted" and more "why come we gotta stop after one go 'round Cletis?" than the other way around. 

 

The other complaint that I have personally logged in and heard about from other women is about men who are either pooped after one go 'round or too tired to perform at all.  Now, not many people (men or women) are trying to continue the acrobatics and marathon-style sessions of their youth. However, the one and done syndrome or lack of shall we say adventure in the bedroom tends to leave men feeling like this and women feeling like this which means our attitude for the day is like this - and nobody wants that. But again, this begs the question: What's a sister to do?  

 

Well, after an informal survey (read: I asked my friends) I came up with some (hopefully) helpful solutions: 

 

Communication: Well this is the big, grown up one of course. If you are a grown, 40+ year old woman it is our sincere hope here at FITNF that you should be capable of having an open, honest, conversation with your partner - be it your husband or your jump off. This is obviously a delicate subject for men so its really important that you handle it with kid gloves, but it's equally important that you get your point across. Ask if he's comfortable talking about the subject first and foremost. Don't push or prod and whatever you do DON'T ridicule. Use tact and sensitivity, but be prepared for some pushback or reluctance. You know your man better than most so let that be a guide for how you approach him.

 

Be up front:  A number of women equate honesty about their needs with "letting their freak flag fly" and it is not. There are too many sisters who suffer in silence and let their partners walk around with puffed up chests thinking they are laying it down in the bedroom. That's not okay - for him or for you. This goes back to communication, but it's on the front end. I have a girlfriend who requires a picture before she allows a man in the bedroom because she has certain, umm. requirements. You don't have to be that stringent, but I ain't mad at her either. It’s okay to discuss expectations with your partner or potential partner. It might help avoid some real frustration in the long run. 

 

Worry about yourself: I normally hate articles that instruct a woman to just “take care of themselves” like an orgasm is the only outcome we want from sex. While climax is important (read: crucial) there is also the human contact and companionship factor that masturbation doesn't solve and in fact exacerbates quite often. So while hitting yourself off is a quick fix, we are suggesting something a bit different here. Be PROACTIVE. Unless your man is just permanently dealing with this, there is some hope for your situation. You can suggest adding a little ginseng to his diet or other herbal supplements. If fatigue is the issue maybe try starting off slow and working your way up to more energetic activities with the goal being not to let him climax or you can make some suggestions about ways you'd like to spice things up a bit.  

 

Or you could just go find a twenty-eight year old and ravage him. (J/K..kinda) 

 

Lastly, to be clear this issue is NOT just happening to Black and Latino men. It's happening to a cross section of men as they approach a certain age and/or as their health declines so this is not a backhanded attempt to promote Black women going out and dating outside of their race - if you date outside of the race good for you! We support whatever makes you happy. However, whomever you are dating or sleeping with, if they are approaching midlife you might be faced with some of these issues. Better to be prepared and satisfied than surprised and aggravated.